20 Best Theo Von Quotes Of All Time


Looking for your favorite quotes from popular comedian Theo Von? We have got the best collection of Theo Von quotes, sayings, captions, (with images, pictures, wallpapers) about love and life.

Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski, known professionally as Theo Von, is an American stand-up comedian, podcaster, television personality, and actor.

He is the host of the popular This Past Weekend podcast and co-host of The King and The Sting podcast, along with fellow comedian Brendan Schaub.

Don’t forget to also read our collection of 6ix9ine Quotes quotes and lyrics for some inspiration.

Theo Von Quotes

  1. “Coughing is the new n word.”

  2. “Can you think about that somebody.”

  3. “Mostly, I just Netflix and keep my hopes up.”

  4. “Take a sandwich! You can eat by the cages.”

  5. “99% of the time, this don’t end hetro-sexually.”

  6. “We were all semen, look how far we’ve come.”

  7. “They’re just jokes, people. They can’t all be funny.”

  8. “Everything tastes like eggs. Theo Von, No Offense.”

  9. “I could have been a dancer. I just never got my shot at it.”

  10. “If I could have anything, I would probably get an old Ford F-150 from the ’70s.”

  11. “I grew up in a real Christian home. If we jerked off, my dad would make us bury it out back.”

  12. “I’ll tell you this, if you want to feed a family of four, you can’t have just one owl… I will say that.”

  13. “When I see somebody in a Prius, sure, you drive a Prius and you get good gas mileage, but you probably feel like you drive a Prius.”

  14. “I get it ladies. No women wans to bang a poor guy. After Your done he’s like ‘Can I get you a towel that doesn’t match any of the other towels?’”

  15. “The ‘Road Rules’ thing was just something that happened. It was never like when I was little I said, ‘I want to be on a reality show when I grow up.’ They didn’t even have them then, you know?”

  16. “Howie Mandel is my favorite. He’s so friendly, and he’s a family man. For a lot of celebrities, to keep a genuineness about them, I think, can be tough, but he really seems to work hard to do that.”

  17. “I got booed off the stage one time. This was in a University in Florida. The students didn’t know that I had to come back out 6 more times, because I was hosting the show. They just thought that I was a comedian opening the show.”

  18. “As soon as I was tall enough, my dad used to let me drive him 60 miles or 70 miles to work. That was pretty fun. My dad was really old. At the time, he was 82 years old. He said, ‘Can you drive?’ and I said ‘Yes.’ I guess I didn’t find it to be that crazy.”

  19. “My father passed away when I was young… and I didn’t know for years that I needed him to be around to tell me what to do, ya know? And sometimes when that happens you don’t wanna grow up, because the person who you want to see you grow up the most isn’t alive anymore.”

  20. “In Louisiana, you can drive when you’re 15 – you could get your driving permit. I remember, during driver’s ed, I fell asleep at the wheel one day. I was tired. The guy shook me and switched and said he was getting into the driver’s seat. I didn’t fail, so I guess you can fall asleep occasionally. It’s Louisiana.”

Which of these amazing Theo Von quotes is your favorite? Do you have any other quotes to add? Let us know in the comment section below.

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